Sunday, September 17, 2006

Does the world really need more boy girl teddy bear couples? Consider this a manifesto for The Hip Craft Store.


Has anyone else noticed how disgusting available craft stores truly are? Michaels, Vogue Fabrics, JoAnn... they are awful, neon lit behemoths filled with useless crap that you don't want and but are forced to wade through to find the one useful item you are searching for to complete your guestbook at last. So even though you hate the place with a passion that eclipses the contempt that Paris "Blonde Icon of the Decade" Hilton holds for Lindsay "Firecrotch" Lohan, you are forced to spend hours there hunting for the tiny screws that will finally attach that little picture frame (that you guilded with copper leaf and soaked in vinegar for three days in order to give it a nice patina) to the cover of your handmade wedding album. Not only do you spend an hour to find three screws that come to a grand total of forty nine cents at check out, you will be forced to return the next day because said item did not meet your craft making needs and spend yet another futile hour hunting down the new item that has revealed itself to you as a possible solution (copper wire). Do you see an employee who can offer you a helpful suggestion in all your hours there? No! In fact, twice in your fruitless searches (five trips in three days) you will actually be asked if you work at the revolting craft store you are shopping at. One would think that possession of a shopping cart and giant handbag and your general apron-less-ness would indicate that you were a customer and not an employee, but this is the delusional effect that these places have on other customers. I didn't even feel offended by her mistake. Instead I felt sympathy for her plight, for I knew she would find no help in Micheals that day. I knew that she would most likely continue her fruitless search for forty five more minutes. Then, in disgust, she would leave the site of her anguish. Perhaps she would make a stop at Target looking for her little item. And obviously, they wouldn't have it. In a desperate last attempt she might wander around Home Depot in a daze. But in the end, she would have to return to the evil JoAnn/Micheals where her journey had begun. She would be doomed to complete the same despicable trail over and over again for days, just as we all are.

And so, I ask you, is it so much to ask for a hip craft store? One that is not overwhelmed with hideous calico squares and pre-made unpainted wooden bird houses? Is it too much to ask for a craft store that sells ribbon without wire in it? Someplace like Paper Source, except for everything? I am writing a manifesto for vintage fabric and wool yarn that isn't hot pink and cold pressed watercolor papers and oil paints and glass glitter and big apothecary canisters filled with lavender. Maybe a section of vintage millinery fruits and flowers and acorns and seashells. This my friends, could be a fantastic revolution. There would be no neon lights or souless aisles of plastic linoleum. The floors would be wood and there would be Lamps! Yes, beautiful lamps with velvet shades! And beaded fringe! And salespeople in a distinctive, colorful and unmistakable apron! Who could answer your questions and offer helpful suggestions based on the lovely project they themselves were currently making! (I get the feeling that most of the employees at JoAnn fabrics are really into making cutesy little bears all dressed up in coordinating outfits or painting little pigs onto trays and so forth.) Yes, this is only a dream, but it is a dream that could make the world a little bit less ugly. I think we can all agree, that, is a noble cause.

2 comments:

jessica said...

I see you have a picture up from Dorian.

I think its an omen that you keep going back to her. I mean, she lives in ABQ, I can call her up and have her come with me to the ceremony. I think you should let her do the table decorations as well as the cake topper and the boquets. Follow your heart Becky, that's the only advice I can give.

oh, and don't ever forget her other passion.

Anonymous said...

Notice how Michael's is Half-FILLED with UGLY fake flowers? They are not allowed at our cemeteries, so who in the H#LL buys this garbage???

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