In Defense of Neck Swans

Its Oscar night, and I just turned the TV and amused myself with this sick national hybrid of the prom and super bowl. The pre-game show is going strong. Everyone is hopelessly over-dressed and over-coiffed, overly made-up and over-caffeinated. There is endless talk about how all the stars and starlets have been preparing for the evening all day. A lot of it sounds glamorous: fabulous shoes sent over by Stewart Weitzman, a couture dress dyed to exactly match someone's perfect eyes, diamonds by Harry Winston, and the obligatory bodyguards who somehow manage to never be photographed. (How can they be doing their job properly and not be photographed? This mystifies me.)

I would love it if someone would do a little expose on the absolutely non-glamorous moments, of which I am sure there are plenty. First of all, lets just admit that the real preparations for Oscar night begin much earlier than the morning of. The Oscars focus a lazer beam of scrutiny on every woman and man invited to walk the red carpet. Think of all the plastic surgeries that must be scheduled months ahead of time in order for the swelling to have gone down in time for the big night. Think of all the teeth whitening that must be done at all costs. Think of the hair coloring and waxing. Think of the miles of skin that need fake tanner applied! Think of the last minute bleaching of roots and the removal of facial hairs and zapping of pimples with injections!


And we love every minute of it, don't we? That is sort of the sickest part of all. Because, the most fun is when someone wears a bizarre dress ala Bjork and she becomes the object of national ridicule until the next weeks US magazine is published. We practically force them to employ stylists. I love the odd outfit, because at least that person is thinking on the edge a little. I loved Uma's wierd kimono thing, and Kate Hudson's wild fringy Stella McCartney and yes, in retrospect I loved Bjork's infamous neck swan because at least they had some personality and some guts and real charisma.

If one more designer says they are inspired by "The glamor of old Hollywood", I submit that they be deep fried in their Jimmy Choos. Everyone loves old Hollywood! Part of what made Old Hollywood so cool were distinctive stars. They wore strange hats and big furs and jewels and smoked constantly, but they also had Personalities! Think of Bette Davis and Joan Crawford and Judy Garland. They may not have been fashion icons, but they were interesting personalties and that is a million times more glamorous than a fourteen carat diamond. Thus spoke the Fabulous Miss B.