Friday, July 28, 2006

The ego is a hard beast to master..

So I am reading this book "Mountains Beyond Mountains" about the amazing and totally slefless Paul Farmer and thinking about my life and what is coming next in a totally new way. Here I am drinking peach daquiris and lying in the sun and here is this man dedicated to eradicating tuberculousis from the world and who also believes that all wealth stems in some ways from the poverty that plauges developing coutnires. In other words, no wealth arises without the toll being taken on these impoverished people. And it seems like a pretty brilliant club, filled with ivy leagues scholars and well connected politicians. And I keep thinking that Eric and I have taken on a project that has no end and that can be won but at a hard hard cost to ourselves and our comfort levels. And I keep wondering, how far am I willing to go to help these helpless people? How much of my own privelegdge am I willing to give up that I might help someone live? And the truth is that I don't really know. That I am uncomfortable with the idea of giving up too much. Embarrasing to admit, perhaps, but true nonetheless. I don't know how far I am willing to go, but I know I wouldn't be happy living in the suburbs afraid of my own truth and the reality of how the priveleges I enjoy werea gift to me. It is my own neurosis that wants to believe that somehow I earned what I have. The truth is that I was very lucky and that I am marrying a man who was very very very lucky and he and I are going to take that luck and see how far it will take us and how many other people it may also carry. I am terrified that it will run out and we will have nothing. And yet, I am not willing to stay at home and wait it out either.

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